


I don't wanna hold your hand

by Signe_chan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:50:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signe_chan/pseuds/Signe_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel reached out a hand to pull Sam up and that’s where everything went wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't wanna hold your hand

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 30 day OTP challenge on tumblr. Day 1 - Hand holding.

If Sam had been paying attention then he’d have been able to translate some of the latin in the spell the witch was hurling at him. If he had, he’d have recognised the word for touch, and the word for seal. Unfortunately, at the time he’d been rather distracted by Dean flying across the room in the other direction and the noise of angelic backup arriving. He didn’t even realise the spell was for him until it hit him, sending him falling to the floor. 

He lay on the floor for a second groaning. He wasn’t as young or as light as he used to be and falling was a pain. He’d landed funny and there was a sharp stabbing pain in his back. He could hear Dean talking to Castiel in the background so he wasn’t surprised when Gabriel appeared in his vision, grinning and offering him a hand. 

If Sam had heard the witch he might have hesitated before reaching up to grab Gabriel’s hand. Unfortunately, he hadn’t heard the witch. 

The second their hands touched he felt the change. It was weird, like a binding. Like Gabriel’s hand was covered in super-sticky gum and Sam’s hand was now encased in it too. He wrinkled his nose and tried to let go again, but he couldn’t. 

He couldn’t let go of Gabriel’s hand. 

He tried again, same result. Gabriel was looking worried by now too. The angel shook his hand, Sam’s moved with him. He took a step back and Sam was pulled to his feet. He reached out, gripped Sam’s wrist and tried to pull them apart, making Sam gasp in pain at the pull. Still, they were stuck. 

“Well, damn,” Gabriel said, finally, letting go of Sam’s wrist. 

“What have you done?” Dean asked, making his way across the room. Gabriel gave Dean a long look but Dean seemed less than impressed. He grabbed their wrists himself and tried to pull them apart but he couldn’t. 

“Wasn’t me,” Gabriel replied, almost petulant. “Why do you think I’d go and stick myself to your brother?” 

“Damned if I know why you do the things you do,” Dean growled. Sam just sighed. It wasn’t unpleasant at least, holding Gabriel’s hand. It felt almost comfortable, though he couldn’t move his hand at all. Maybe like their hands were wrapped up together in one glove or something. 

“It was the witch,” Castiel said, and he sounded quite sure of himself. “I heard the curse as we landed. It will fade now she’s dead.” 

“You mean you can’t do anything to make it fade faster?” Dean growled. Gabriel gave him a pointed look as if it say, hello, archangel. Castiel just raised an eyebrow and Dean grimaced. “Fine. How long’s this going to take?” 

“I don’t know,” Castiel said. “It depends how powerful she was.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Sam said with a sigh. “Let’s just get back to the hotel room. I’m sure this will all look better in the morning.” 

“I’m with Samsquatch,” Gabriel said. “Might be gone by the time we both wake up. Nothing to worry about. 

**Day one**

Sam woke up to light already creeping below the door. That meant it was late for him. The room was, for once, surprisingly quiet. No TV porn, no Dean clomping around, not even snoring from the next bed. That probably meant Dean was already up and getting breakfast, which meant he must have really overslept. 

He was also still stuck to Gabriel. The angel was laid out next to him on the bed, completely relaxed in to the mattress like he didn’t have a care in the world. Sam poked at him a bit but Gabriel seemed to only become more settled, as though in retaliation. Great, just what he needed. He guessed if he had to be stuck to someone, Gabriel was alright. He’d used his mojo to change their clothes last night, at least, and there were people lower down on the list of people he wouldn’t mind watching him pee if someone had to. Still, it was hardly ideal. Gabriel was still more than a bit of an unknown to them. He helped, sure, but they weren’t quite sure why yet. 

Dean came back soon enough, clanking takeaway trays and glaring at Gabriel but even that didn’t seem to disturb him. He was awake quickly enough, though, when one of the takeout containers turned out to have a stack of pancakes in it. 

“Thought angels didn’t have to sleep or eat,” Dean groused. 

“Don’t have to,” Gabriel replied with a gleeful grin. “But it’s damn fun. I’ve always liked sleeping. Know a demon who slept away most of the nineteenth century. And food, well, don’t tell me you don’t see the appeal of food.” 

“’Course I see the appeal,” Dean groused. “Just don’t expect us to feed you just because you’re stuck to Sammy now.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Gabriel replied with a grin, digging in. Sam kept quiet, letting them bicker as he tried to figure out how to eat with only his left hand. 

~*~*~*~

Of course, the situation meant that Sam was now in the back seat, staring at the back of Dean’s head with Gabriel acting like a hyperactive child beside him. Gabriel had declared himself on holiday from all his usual activities since he was stuck to a Winchester. Apparently an act of Winchester was to heaven as an act of god to earth so nobody in the new angel order had questioned it and he’d decided to enjoy being back in earth again. 

“We should go to be bar tonight,” Gabriel declared. “It’s been ages since I had time to go to a bar.” 

“We’ve got a hunt,” Dean groused, and Sam knew he was just doing it to be contrary because if anyone else had suggested they spend an evening in a bar he’d be all over it. 

“Oh come on Dean, lighten up. Hell, maybe I’ll get laid.” 

“Not while you’re stuck to me,” Sam said. “Besides, if we go on a bar around here we’ll probably get punched. It’s not exactly the most progressive area.” 

“Shit, I haven’t even thought of that,” Dean sighed. “Nobody’s going to buy you’re an F.B.I agent when you’re holding hands with your boyfriend. I’m gonna have to do all the leg work for this, aren’t I?” 

“Guess so,” Sam agreed, hoping to hell this faded soon. 

**Day four**

Sam was going stir crazy. He’d been stuck to Gabriel for four days and it showed no signs of weakening. He’d spent every free moment researching the spell but so far he’d come up with nothing useful. A few references to this sort of thing that made Sam happy that the first touch had been his hand to Gabriel’s and not, say, a kiss or him sneaking a grope of someone like in one of the stories he came across. Nothing he could use to break the spell, though. 

Even Gabriel seemed to be losing his patience with the entire thing. He’d spent the first few days alternately sleeping and baiting Dean but now he seemed genuinely to be sick of it. 

“You know,” Sam said, frowning. “You have this so much, you could help me research a way to break the curse.” 

“No way!” Gabriel cried, waving their joined hands about. “This is ridiculous. She’s been dead for days. I know I wanted the break and all but this is just stupid. It’s not even the fun bits of your life I’m getting to do, unless you really think research is fun and if you do I think you need to get out more.” 

“No, this is the boring bit,” Sam confirmed. “Trust me, I’d much rather be drinking and fighting but we can’t exactly do either of them around here.” 

“We should go hunt in San Fran Cisco,” Gabriel groused. “They wouldn’t think anything of two guys holding hands there.” 

“You suggest it to Dean,” Sam said with a grimace. He could imagine what Dean would think of that idea. Though maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It would be nice to walk down the street without getting looks and comments anyway. He’d ended up yesterday trying to explain to a guy looking for a fight that Gabriel wasn’t his boyfriend. Gabriel had been less them helpful. 

“I could just fly us there, you know,” Gabriel suggested. “He’d never have to know.” 

“No,” Sam said, firmly. “I need to do this research. If you want you, you’d better help me.” 

“No way,” Gabriel replied, flopping back on the couch. “I’m awesome already, I don’t need to research anything else.” 

**Day five**

Gabriel started helping with the research. 

**Day nine**

Sam and Gabriel were arguing over who was entitled to the last Oreo when Castiel appeared in the middle of the hotel room, Dean unconscious in his arms. Sam’s heart was in his throat. He dropped the Oreo pack and rushed over to where Castiel was laying Dean out on the bed. 

“Shit,” he hissed, taking in his brother. He was pale, and there were the remains of two obvious wounds on his chest, though they’d both been healed now. There was also a lot of blood soaked in to his clothes, enough that it was beginning to seep from his shirt to the motel linen. 

“He will be fine,” Castiel said, terse. “I was able to arrive in time to save him. If I had arrived earlier...” 

“No,” Sam hissed, “I should have been there. It’s meant to be my job. If only...” 

“Yeah,” Gabriel said, tugging at their joint hands. “Don’t you start beating yourself up over this, really not an option at the moment. You too, Cas. You’ve got important shit to be doing in heaven. Not got the time to be babysitting Winchesters all the time.” 

“Nothing is more important than Dean,” Castiel insisted, reaching out to touch the fading mark where the wound had been on Dean’s chest. Sam felt oddly uncomfortable watching him there, as if he were intruding on something private. It wasn’t like he was a stranger to the devotion Castiel showed to Dean. This seemed different, though. 

“Well, if you really think that maybe you need to get your ass down here more often,” Gabriel said with a shrug. “I mean, while I’m stuck to Sammy here, he’s not much help on a case. Dean could probably use a partner.” 

“There is much to do in heaven...” 

“It’s not like this is going to last much longer,” Gabriel protested. “Me and Sammy have nearly cracked it. Right, Sammy?” 

“Well...” 

“So,” Gabriel continued, steamrolling right over Sam’s half formed protest. “Just tell the guys upstairs that you’re taking some personal time and you can hang out here with me and the Winchesters.” 

That stung a little in an odd way. Gabriel rarely did something unless there was something in it for him, which meant that right now he wanted Castiel here for himself. Which meant that Sam’s company wasn’t enough for him. He knew Gabriel was bored but, still, it hurt a little to have it confirmed like this. 

Castiel nodded slowly, then disappeared, presumably to let heaven know he’d be taking some time off. Gabriel looked smug. 

“I didn’t think you liked Cas,” Sam said, frowning. 

“I don’t much,” Gabriel replied with a shrug. “But when he’s around your brother’s too busy making eyes at him to get too pissy at me. Win: win.” 

Something in Sam loosened at that. It wasn’t him. He wasn’t the problem. It was just that Gabriel wanted Dean off his back. That shouldn’t make Sam as happy as it did. 

**Day fourteen**

Four guys asking for a twin room, especially when two of them were holding hands, got all kinds of raised eyebrows. That was why for the first time in forever Sam was sleeping in a separate room from his brother. This should have meant he slept easier. No moving around, TV blaring, explanations of some point of human culture for Cas. He should be getting to best night’s sleep of his life. 

He was wide awake. 

Beside him, Gabriel was dead to the world. He was unnaturally still in his sleep, as though to make up for how much he moved when he was awake. No snoring or snuffling or rolling. Just lying there. 

Sam couldn’t sleep. 

He hated nights like this. Normally he’d self-medicate with some alcohol, though he knew full well how unhealthy that was. Just enough that he could sleep. Just enough to stop the voices running through his head. The constant train of everything he’d ever done wrong, from being born on up. You knew it was a bad night when you got as far back as blaming yourself for being born. 

He couldn’t drink right now though, couldn’t even move to get the remote, because it might wake up Gabriel. The angel had been getting more and more annoyed as time went on and the research kept leading them to one dead end after another. Even now the best they had was to wait it out, but the bond felt as strong as the first day it was forged. Sam could put up with a lot in his life but eternity joined by the hand with Gabriel, not something he’d ever planned for. 

He’d not planned for any of this, not asked for any of this. Most of the time he was at peace with being a hunter, but sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he’d just said no to Dean at Stanford. Just stayed with Jess. Maybe should wouldn’t have died, not in that way at least. They’d have still come for him, of course, but maybe things would have been easier. If he’d refused this lifestyle maybe he’d never have broken the last seal. Maybe he’d never have caused the apocalypse. 

He still dreamt of Lucifer, sometimes. Dreamt of his time trapped in the pit with Lucifer and Michael. No hope of escape, no nope of reprieve. Torture. They took him right to the edge of what he could bear and then, for fun, took him beyond it. They killed him so many times in so many ways, hurt him so much. 

It was no wonder everything he touched turned to poison, he was poison. He’d let down everyone who cared about him. Let down the entire fucking human race. No suffering could ever make up for the people Lucifer had killed, all because of him. 

“Sam,” Gabriel said, and Sam nearly jumped out of his skin. He hadn’t realised the angel was awake. 

“What?” he hissed, pulling away to sit up on the bed. He reached for the lamp but thought better of it. He didn’t want anyone to see him right now. 

“Are you...no, that’s a stupid question. You’re obviously not alright. You’re like a slab of rock you’re so tense. Come on, tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Sam lied. “I’m fine.” 

“Whatever,” Gabriel said with a sigh, pulling himself up to sit against the head board to. “I get that I’m not the person you want to be talking to right now, though I guess I should point out that if you’ve got something to say I’ve been told I’m a good listener.” 

“Who told you that?” Sam asked, managing a small smile. 

“Hey, don’t criticise me,” Gabriel replied with a laugh. “I’m told I have many great qualities.” 

“You shouldn’t listen to yourself when you say that,” Sam deadpanned. “You’re a biased source.” 

Gabriel snorted and Sam counted it as a minor victory. It was ridiculous but he was feeling better already, sat here talking with Gabriel like this. It was easier for now to forget the shadows and the fear and just focus on the two of them together. 

“Fine. If we’re going to lie here awake anyway can we at least watch some TV. I bet there’s some good porn on right now.” 

“No porn,” Sam said, though in truth he could use a little time alone with his left hand. He was trying not to think about it because masturbation: something he wasn’t quite ready to do in front of an archangel yet. “We could find a movie though.” 

**Day twenty one**

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Bobby said, and he sounded it. “It ain’t that I haven’t looked, kid, there’s just nothing out there about how to break a curse like this.” 

“There has to be,” Sam growled. It hadn’t been so bad for a while, but he was near the end of his rope now. He needed some alone time. For a variety of reasons, not just the one Dean kept implying. He’d never spent so much time with anyone before, even Dean wasn’t with him twenty four-seven. He liked Gabriel enough but he needed a break. “There were other cases.” 

“Yeah, but all the ones I can find, it just faded on its own. It seems to normally only take a few days, that must have been one hell of a powerful witch you killed.” 

“Yeah, just our luck,” Gabriel replied, voice oddly flat. That only made Sam angrier. Gabriel had been more annoyed by this then him until the last few days, when he’d suddenly gone oddly quiet. Sam didn’t know what to make of it, but he could use some of that anger to bounce off now.

“Aren’t you angry?” he asked, and Gabriel just looked at him. He looked tired. Tired and maybe a little sad and Sam found himself shutting up. 

**Day twenty three**

Sam woke up to find Gabriel already awake, sat in the bed staring at the door like he wanted to run. He looked lonely. So lonely. The expression looked oddly at home on his face, as though he’d made it a million times. 

“I’m sorry,” Sam said, before he could stop himself. He didn’t know what he was apologising for but when Gabriel turned to look at him, it suddenly didn’t matter. 

“I’ve never stopped before, Sam,” Gabriel said, his voice oddly soft. “Not really. When I left, I ran. I ran and ran and I kept running until I couldn’t any more. Until every fibre of my being was exhausted. I slept, then, for the first time. It was weird, so weird. The first time I woke up and realised I’d been vulnerable. That Michael or Lucifer or Raphael could have come for me and killed me. That’s when I started to hide. Built this entire new self, became Loki.” 

“You were really Loki?” Sam asked. Gabriel quirked a grin. It was worryingly good to see it after the last few days. 

“Yeah, but don’t get any ideas. The Norse myths are about as accurate as the Christian bible; I did not have sexual relations with that horse. Thing is...I never had time to stop. I was always playing tricks, always judging and hiding. I don’t have to do that now, just trail around after your sad bodies. Just eat and sleep and think. There’s so much to think about, Sam. About my family, about every choice I’ve made. Maybe it would have been better if there were only three archangels.” 

“No,” Sam said, softly. “Definitely not. You’re the best of them all.” 

“Then I shouldn’t have run. Should have stayed with them...” 

“Doesn’t matter, you can’t change the past,” Sam said, aware of the hypocrisy of what he was saying. Aware of his own nightmares and how stupidly close they were to this being next to him. Someone so completely different to him yet, oddly, the same. “You made good choices. You are making good choices. You’re not running anymore.” 

“Figured dad brought me back for something,” Gabriel said with a shrug. “Didn’t want to let him down again.” 

“See, good choices,” Sam said with a grin. “And the other stuff, the being stuck here with nothing to do, we can do something about that too. There has to be some way we can fight while we’re joined. We should head somewhere more liberal too so we can get out a bit. I think they’ll be good for both of us.” 

“Yeah,” Gabriel agreed. “Though I can hardly pick up chicks like this. Maybe we can go places, too. Leave your brother and Cas in the car and get out a bit?” 

“Sure,” Sam said. He wasn’t sure what Dean was going to think of that but Gabriel had sounded almost animated for a second there. It would be worth it. 

**Day twenty-seven**

Gabriel too him to a beach where they watched turtles hatch and crawl to the water. They sat there all night in the moonlight, their joined hands cradled in Sam’s lap. 

**Day twenty-nine**

Gabriel had his hand down his pants. Sam could hear him. Could hear the way his breath hitched, the little groans, even the sound of the movement of his hand. It shouldn’t have been hot. Gabriel was male, Sam wasn’t in to guys. Gabriel was an angel, Sam was an abomination. Gabriel was an archangel, he could wipe Sam out of existence with a blink. It was still fucking hot. 

His own body started to take notice, and that was hardly his fault. Nothing in weeks and weeks and now...now Gabriel so close. He could almost smell the sex in the air, he had to do something. 

Maybe, for good manners, he should have waited until Gabriel was done and asleep again, but he couldn’t wait. He needed this and he needed it now and there was no way he could stop himself. Not when Gabriel was so close and had given in first. 

Later, in the afterglow, Gabriel whispered “we should do that again soon”. Sam could only nod in reply. 

**Day thirty-eight**

Running away was a hell of a lot harder when you couldn’t let go of someone else, but by this point Gabriel and Sam had experience. It was weird, being this used to how another person moved. Still, it was awkward, and they couldn’t go as fast as they’d be able to alone which meant the ghost was gaining. 

“Fuck, this is ridiculous,” Gabriel hissed. He’d offered to use his mojo to find the bones. Dean had turned him down. Apparently that wasn’t doing it right, as though being a hunter was some kind of competition and you could be thrown out for cheating. Sam was wishing now that they’d just gone with it. 

“Can’t you find the bones now?” he asked, tugging at their joined hands. 

“Gimme a sec,” Gabriel gasped, his forehead wrinkling. Sam carried on yanking him along as his gaze drifted. Gabriel might be able to survive anything the ghost did to him but Sam certainly could not and it wasn’t like Gabriel could walk up to the thing without potential danger to Sam right now. He could, of course, mojo them away but then Dean would be left alone with the thing, Sam wasn’t going to let that happen. 

“Alright,” Gabriel said, suddenly speeding up again as if he was coming back in to himself. “I’ve found them. Can I please just burn the things?” 

“Yes,” Sam said. As much as he agreed with Dean that they needed the hunt, needed to do this and not just have the angels do it for them, he also had a healthy sense of self-preservation and there were times you just had to let the archangel burn the bones. 

“Right,” Gabriel said, stopping and focusing. “I can...” 

The next thing Sam was aware of was a stabbing pain in his gut. The ghost’s face flashed in front of his, grinning before it suddenly burst in to flame, and he fell. 

The next second the pain was gone and instead of the Ghost’s face, Gabriel’s face was in front of him. The angel looked scared, and then they were kissing. 

**Day thirty-nine**

It wasn’t Sam’s hand down his pants that night. 

**Day forty-two**

Gabriel took him to a little bar in a back street in Dublin where they stocked the best ale in the world. 

**Day fifty-one**

“You know, this isn’t love or anything,” Gabriel said. Sam grunted. That wasn’t really what he wanted to hear right at that moment, lying there in the afterglow. Gabriel had taken them to the bridal suite of some hotel. They’d eaten room service and then made use of the other facilities. It had been almost perfect, but then when was Sam allowed something almost perfect? 

“I mean, I’m not trying to spoil the moment or anything, but I’m not in love with you.” 

“Whatever,” Sam groused, looking away. He didn’t want to hear it, didn’t even want to think it, and maybe a part of that was because he knew full well he couldn’t say that back. Couldn’t roll over and tell Gabriel that, no, it wasn’t love for him either. It...well...it was complicated but Sam had been through enough shit in his life that he didn’t see any value in lying to himself. He cared about Gabriel a lot. More than he’d let himself care about anyone in a while. Maybe it wasn’t love, he had a horrible track record with love after all, but it was something. 

Right now it was kind of everything. 

“No, seriously, I can’t be. Don’t you see, Sam. For me to fall in love with you, that would be like you falling in love with an ant.” 

“Oh thanks,” Sam growled. If the mood wasn’t broken before it was now. I wished he could get up and storm away but it wasn’t like he could ever really get away from Gabriel. Though if he could have walked away then they’d probably not be here right now. 

“No, think about it. Imagine you fell in love with an ant, Sam. This tiny little thing, and it acts like it loves you back but how can you know? How can you know that the thing is feels is in any way comparable to the vastness that you feel. This ridiculous, wonderful feeling like your entire world spins on them. And even if you could put that aside and let yourself believe, the ant is so small and so vulnerable. Any moment, someone might come along and crush it. Might not even mean to, but they could and then it’ll be gone and you’ll be left there with all these feelings and this emptiness...” 

“Gabriel,” Sam said softly. The archangel was facing away from him, his shoulders tense. Sam wanted to reach over but he got the feeling it wouldn’t be welcome right now. 

“I know people might say that you’ve got to enjoy the time the ant’s with you, Sammy. But an ant lives, what, a few months? You live for years. Years and years alone. Do you even have any concept of how old I am, Sam? I saw the earth made. Saw the universe form and this planet coalesce. I watched as life formed, then suddenly there’s man and there’s purpose and at first I couldn’t look away because you were all so bright and so beautiful but then, just as quickly, you’re gone. I’m still going to be here, Sam. I’m going to be here when the last human dies. Going to be here as the sun expands to engulf the planet, as the universe collapses back in on itself. I just...I can’t love you.” 

“It’s ok,” Sam mumbled, running his hand over Gabriel’s arm. Gabriel turned to look at him then, and he looked every bit as old and sad as his words. Sam knew there was nothing else he could say. 

**Day fifty-two**

They spent the day pranking Dean together. Pranking Dean was a hell of a lot more fun when you had an archangel who used to be a pagan trickster god for backup. That night, when they made something that wasn’t love under the stained hotel sheets, Gabriel laughed. 

**Day fifty-six**

They watched the northern lights, wrapped in blankets and sipping hot chocolate. 

**Day fifty-seven**

That morning, when they wake up, they can feel the bond beginning to weaken. 

Sam’s first thought is joy. He...Gabriel is amazing but he does like the idea of using the toilet alone again. Of being able to go where he wants and do what he wants whenever he wants without having to think about Gabriel again. The tiny twitch of his fingers when he tries to let go is so promising. Soon they’ll be apart again. 

Then he realises, they’ll be apart again. 

He’s not naive. He hasn’t forgotten the odd not confession Gabriel gave him, doesn’t think he ever will. He knows that the second he can, Gabriel will leave. That, for the archangel, this thing between them is awesome and terrible in equal parts. 

Sam’s kind of worried that it might already be too late to run. 

**Day Sixty-six**

The awkward thing about being literally stuck to your partner is that you can never do anything nice for them as a surprise. If he could, Sam would have got up and made pancakes then brought then to Gabriel in bed. Of course, he couldn’t. Instead, he let the other man sleep in. For once, Dean didn’t even bother them. He was probably busy with Cas or something. Sam didn’t need to know. He just la there for hours after he woke up, letting Gabriel sleep and letting himself look. 

When Gabriel did finally wake up, they went downstairs to the kitchen of the house they were squatting in together. Gabriel was in a good mood. Not an angry mood, where he hit out as people with sarcasm and humour, or a sad mood, the kind of mood that only Sam was apparently allowed to see, but a good mood. He smiled, chatting on about some festival that was happening in the next few days and what Sam thought were the odds of them taking Dean in to taking some time off so they could all go. Sam pointed out he’d have a lot more luck if he got Castiel on side first, Gabriel made some insinuations about Dean and Cas’ relationship. 

Sam makes the pancake batter. He feels kind of bad about using this stuff but they’ll clean up before they leave and the home owner will be no wiser when they get back, other than a little missing food. He keeps stopping every few minutes to kiss Gabriel, a little high on how easy this is. On how every time he turns his head there’s this person there waiting for him. 

 

**Day sixty-seven**

Sam wakes up alone

**Interlude**

Sometimes Sam forgets he has two hands again. The entire thing has made him kind of ambidextrous; he got so used to only being able to use his left hand. He’d be doing something and then Dean would give him this look and he’d look down and realise that he didn’t have to just use his left hand, his right hand was perfectly free. 

He tried not to think about it too much. 

Dean still got them too hotel rooms, which basically confirmed all the innuendo Gabriel had made about him and Cas. Sam didn’t mind. He didn’t care, really. He’d spent all of his life with a roommate. Dean, most of it, though at college there had been other roommates. It was good to have a room to himself. A little like finally growing up and getting a place of his own, though nothing like that at all really. 

He tried not to think every time he walked in to a motel room what Gabriel might think of it. The sarcastic comment he’d make about the decor. He tried not to miss Gabriel next to him, in the night when it was quiet. 

It was better, really. It had to be. He didn’t have to think about Gabriel before himself. Didn’t have to deal with what Gabriel had said to him that night, that ridiculous night. How could he love Gabriel anyway? The angel had been right, he was like an ant, how could he ever know what love was when compared to Gabriel. Gabriel who had so much love and was so afraid to share it. Who’d watched his family tear itself apart, had run away and had come back. Who had died for them, even though he didn’t really believe. 

How could he not love Gabriel? 

Sometimes he would wake up with his hand wrapped in the blanket. The thing twisted around as thought in his sleep he’d been grasping, reaching for Gabriel but never finding him. 

He liked having his hand back. He liked being free. It was just that, most of the time, he hated it too. 

**Day one**

“Hi Sam. Sorry about that. I’m back now, if you still want me.” 

Sam did.


End file.
